I haven't mentioned much about my Grandma since I was literally not on my blog this whole summer. But it saddens me to bring it up now. Mainly because I wish I would have wrote my thoughts down before it gets all jumbled and to be able to remember things about this wonderful woman. It's a long post but to me its not just any post its a tribute. The one thing that sticks out in my mind is the many conversations I had with my sister about how hard it was to watch someone you love decline. Granted we had other loved ones pass on but at those times I don't think we were as involved, old enough to understand. It was reality but surreal at the same time.
In July my grandma was diagnosed with Liver Cancer. This Liver Cancer was strong and she probably dealt with it way before it was diagnosed. As she found out she told my mom and her siblings at one point she didn't want to accept treatment and I'm sure at the time between shock, disbelief and the fact of seeing her own son (Brian) struggle with cancer she didn't want to go down that road.
But she accepted treatment with some pill chemo & obvious pain killers. She had good days and bad days. Her good days consisted on Sunday Afternoon's driving to my parents house for dinner, coming to family parties and being around for everything she could. It was awesome. Although she was in lots of pain and it took her a while to admit how bad the pain was. After a couple months went by she declined and it was hard to see what treatment would do and what it wouldn't do. The doctor had thought it could be shrinking but it was so large that they did know the best case could be a year and worst 7 months.
Then it became time that my sister was good to put a plan in place to help out with things not just for the siblings to do but for us as grandkids to serve. Weather it was bringing meals, taking Grandpa to run errands, going to lunch with Grandpa, taking Grandma & Grandpa to appointments, setting up appointments and cleaning their house. We tried to cover the bases. Which I am confident that we did an awesome job and rallied together. I had the opportunity to clean their house weekly and be able to have some one on one time with my Grandma when she was up to it and was able to talk.
It was awesome to hear of all the things my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins did to help my grandparents throughout the entire few months. But slowly things got worse. She couldn't really speak she would try so hard but it would be moaning. She couldn't get out of bed and didn't like the fact that nurses were going to try and help her. She didn't like that my Grandpa would leave to run errands even though my mom or someone was there with her. I never knew how much my Grandma needed my Grandpa until my mom would tell me how often she would call for Bill. Even though in his older age he couldn't completely lift her out of bed at that point and do everything that she thought he could. It was tender to see him check on her very often.
That picture was one of the last days she was able to move by herself and was the most coherent. Also it was a lucky day for the fact Kelsey was able to come in town and see her on such a good note. Although my grandma had a sense of humor. After I took this picture I showed it to her and she looked at Kelsey and said "Now you can tell your friends look, my grandma is six months pregnant." We laughed about that one for awhile. But just a few days after my sister went home my grandma was admitted to the hospital where they had to do surgery to put a stint in and to get her fluids up. She was consistently going in to get fluids. She felt so much better the day following when she did that but it did take a long time for them to be able to administer that to her. After the week long hospital stay she was shortly put onto home health and then hospice. She rejected hospice but my mom convinced her that if she didn't like it they wouldn't continue it.
In the short 3 weeks and 5 days following things declined fast. She went from being in her own bed and walking to the bathroom with help, to in a wheelchair, to in a hospital bed. It was with the help of the hospice that she was in such good hands. Although at times her pain levels were so much she was sleeping most of the days and couldn't communicate much.
It was then that she was able to pass away on November 12th 2016. It went fast, whirlwind fast.
On the day she died I remember feeling bad as we were going to have Charli's second birthday party that night that my grandparents wouldn't be there. I wanted them there. The year before she was healthy, happy and was there for Charli's first birthday. I was bummed. The party started and as much as I wanted her there I realized it was going to be okay and still fun. Well about an hour into the party my mom got a phone call from her sister who said she had passed away. My parents rushed out and my sister told me after everything was unwrapped. You know that pain where your stomach hits your pelvis bone and you just sink. That was me as she told me. I didn't know what to do, I wanted to cry but at the same time I'm standing at my daughters birthday party with all our closest friends & family. As I told my sister in laws they were quick to just take care of everything and even take Charli so we could go. It wasn't fun driving to my grandparents trying to wrap the head around the idea that she was in fact gone. I remembered thinking about all the fun times driving to her house as a kid, teenager and adult. Especially when I would stuff my pockets full of candy right before we left her house and she would then get me a ziploc bag to take more home in. The memories flooded in and the pain of her being gone wasn't as strong. Don't get me wrong it hurt but I was comforted knowing that she wasn't in pain any more that she was with people that needed her even though I wished then and still wish we got to have her with us. But at 79 years she did so much that I hope I will be able to hold up that legacy she left.
My Grandma was always a giver and she would often send my mom home with stuff. Which I remember thinking I didn't like that she was doing that because in my mind she wasn't going to be gone so soon. But there was one day where I was going to leave her house and went in to her bedroom to say goodbye and she said "Maggie, you haven't been able to pick anything out that you would like from me have you?" ... I said "No but that's okay".. she then said " Well what do you want".. Which in conversation with my mother I had talked about how I wanted this Halloween decor that my grandma had, its a witch that is censored by your clapping as she kicks & cackles on her broomstick. My mom said well you'll have to ask Grandma. Okay, well I'm a chicken I wasn't going to say I would like that. So in the conversation my mom said "Mom, Maggie would like that witch you have that laughs" .. My grandma said " You know where it is go get it." ... I then started to laugh and said to my grandma "What if it's already in my car right now." .. She laughed and said "That's my girl, take anything else too." ... My mom then said to me later you really took it to your car? We laughed about that but I was so happy to come home with that sentiment of a holiday that my grandparents make me hold so dear to my heart.
Halloween at their house as a kid was the best. It was our tradition to do our ward trunk or treat and then go to Grandma's. My parents would normally let us take a friend with us we would eat my Grandpa's Homemade Secret Recipe, doughnuts, have a costume parade & then trick or treat around her neighborhood. I remember after my friends and me would talk the few days following Halloween about all the candy we got. They nicknamed my grandma the "rich Grandma" because the people by her always handed out full size candy bars. I also remember when we would show up on halloween night my dad would send one of us girls to the door to act as a trick or treater just to surprise my Grandparents when one of them came to the door. Oh man will I miss that.
So that picture above was my last Halloween with my grandma. She didn't talk much that day but she communicated with smiles we were able to go out and eat dinner with them the night before halloween and her great-grandkids all did a costume parade for her. She just smiled and took pictures with us. It was hard not to see her talk because earlier that week she had been able too. I remember getting ready to leave I went in and felt like I needed and wanted to hug her. If you ever met my grandma she never really was the full hug type. But as I talked to her and she listened I said can I hug you and she moved her arms and let me hug her. It was the first time I realized how fragile she was getting and how swollen her abdomen was getting. I will always remember that hug as the last time I know she heard me say "Love you gram's".
I will remember the day after we had Charli my grandparents coming to the hospital and holding Charli. I remember how I could feel how proud of me they were. I remember them telling Kelly so many times "you have your hands full with her, but if anyone can do it, it's you". I remember how my Grandma would leave all of us voicemails and say "It's Grandma, Call me back". I remember how my grandma teased me when I wouldn't tell her I lost my keys to the cabin and when she got me a new set she put them on a Budweiser lanyard. I remember when we bought our RZR this summer and she said "Oh there are lots of those little cars up at the cabin." at how we laughed about that. I remember when my grandma volunteered at the hospital and I was up with my mom as she was playing the main lobby piano that my grandma would introduce me to all the friends she had made at the hospital. I also remember going to the hospital cafe and eating lunch with her often. I remember going for rides in there mint green Honda to Wendy's and Grandkid trips to the Cabin.
She was the type of Grandma who woke up with a can of Diet Dr.Pepper in her hand . We always wondered how that happened. She was deathly scared of mice at the cabin & as grandkids we remember her jumping on the counter yelling "BILL!". She was the kind of grandma who had endless amounts of candy & pop in her grandkid basement. She was the grandma who let you bring friends over to play xbox with, ping pong, watch movies and play on the pool table. She was the kind of grandma who sent you care packages for all the holidays when you were in college or married out of state. She was the kind of grandma who had a laugh like nobody else. She was the kind who would stand up and leave a room in mid sentence. She was the grandma who had her fingers always in the inside of her pants as if it was an imaginary pocket. She was the grandma who showed up to everything you were involved in. She was the grandma who loved her grandkids more than her own kids and then she was the grandma who loved her Great Grandkids more than her own grandkids. She was the Grandma who had some funky hair colors because she didn't want to consider herself having grey hair just yet. She was the grandma who made her kids take piano lessons regardless if they had to practice all the same time as kids. She was the grandma who when her kids would visit she would ask them to play the piano for her. She was the grandma who was so supportive of my mom's capability to teach so many students the piano. She was the grandma who in her older age didn't sleep much because of back pain but rarely did you hear her complain. She was the grandma who left toys in a chest at the cabin for her great grandkids to pick out and take home. She was the grandma who made it a tradition to go to Wendy's when ever you were with her. She was the grandma who always had Creamie's in her freezer. She was the grandma who took ALL OF US to beach houses in Oregon & North Carolina. She was the grandma who drove herself to the ER when she broke her arm. She was the grandma who had more Asian home decor for being someone who never traveled there. She was the grandma who would leave the house without telling my grandpa where she was going and then would be back hours later. She was the grandma who walked the halls of the mall in the morning when it was too cold outside. She was the grandma who would drive by my parents house and not stop because she was going to the cemetery. She was the grandma who served others in so many volunteering positions. She was the grandma who gave us the tradition of homemade candy and candy canes. She was the grandma who made a decision at 17 years old that she wanted something different in her life and became a member of the Church, decided then who she wanted to marry & made it happen. She was the grandma who made it so we can not only love each other in this life but for the eternities. Oh and did I mention she was the grandma that everyone wishes they had.
November 21st was the hardest day for all of us to say goodbye to you Grandma. I hope you know how much you are missed.
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| Grandkids with Grandpa |
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| Great Grandkids & Grandkids |
We can't fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now.
The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.
- Russell M. Nelson-
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